It makes perfect sense to me that they are making an Angry Birds TV show
and (hopefully) movie. I can only speak for myself, but at the end of
my marathon Angry Birds sessions I am often left wanting more depth out
of the story, more insight into the personalities of the birds, more
evil wrongdoings by those nasty little pig heads.
I want to know
why those greedy pigs steal the innocent birdy eggs. Where does all
that avarice and rapacity come from? Why weren’t they happy with the
eggs they stole in the “Poached Eggs” chapter at the beginning? I
suspect their building some kind of massive super-sulfur-bomb, but whose
face do they want to throw egg on? Do they hold only the Angry Birds
in contempt or do they plan on stealing eggs from other cute, friendly
creatures like alligators, octopi and duck-billed platypus’? I hope a
TV series will be able to explain their dastardly plans to me.
I
need to understand what I’m playing for, what is MY motivation for
destroying the pigs? And the simple, wordless IKEA-style instructions
on my phone just ain’t cutting it! I need a half-hour clay-mation
program to go into the nuances of the story for me. I need more
immersion into the bizarre world of disembodied pig heads and birds
possessing super powers to fully appreciate the game I spend hours
playing every day.
I want to know what motivates them to build
such elaborate (yet seemingly frail and poorly balanced) structures.
Who actually constructs those things for them? They don’t appear to
have hands or any kind of ambulatory limbs so how can they build
anything? Have they formed some kind of “Axis of Evil” alliance with
the Big Bad Wolf to be their general contractor? Have they enslaved
Charlotte and forced her to build these fortresses for them (in exchange
for not taking HER eggs too, I assume)? I need a TV show with 22
episodes a season to explain this to me!
And where the hell do
those nefarious piggies get concrete and glass from? Do they have
“family” from New Jersey supplying them? How can they possibly erect
2-dimensional buildings out of materials which must weigh 100 times
their own body weight without the use of tools or any kind of
mechanisms?
Have those pigs discovered the secrets of the ancient
Egyptians and Mayans? Are they being aided by ancient aliens from
another galaxy? I’m just asking questions here…an intelligent person
can connect the dots and draw their own conclusions. Maybe the series
should be produced by The History Channel.
Still, I really hope a
trilogy of 3D animated movies from Dreamworks will answer these
questions for me. I also hope said movies will be directed by Michael
Bay, after all, he can REALLY blow some shit up!
While we’re at
it, let’s talk about cross-branding with some other popular franchises
like super heroes? Batman’s got some cool gadgets, sure, but how
bitchin’ would it be to have him throw one of those Black Birds at The
Penguin and blow his mackerel-ass to hell!
I also can’t think of a
better tie in than with the X-Men. A little Blue Bird that can split
into three other little blue birds that all break through glass like a
hot knife through butter. How X-Men is that? Or a bird that can shoot
explosive eggs out his ass and then ricochet around the room destroying
more stuff! I’d like to see Wolverine do that! Didn’t think so, you
X-Pussies just don’t have the skillz.
So please please please
make a whole bunch of Angry Birds TV shows and movies so I can get
answers to these questions and more (I would love an “origins” story to
explain how that Toucan got mixed up with a bunch of common street
birds, and who keeps knocking up the White Birds?)
Because I’m
not truly enjoying the game unless it comes with a commercial
interruption every 10 minutes or tie-in merchandising with my McDonald’s
Happy Meal.
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