Drugs On TV

I just love those TV ads for (fill in the blank) medicine. These big pharmaceutical companies buy 60 second spots to advertise their life-changing drugs. The commercials are filled with positive imagery and use the most uplifting, ethereal music in the background, while a narrator with a soothing, peaceful timbre to their voice spends the first 10 seconds telling you how wonderful the drug is, and how it will change your life for the better in ways even they cannot fully describe.

Then, while the imagery, music and calming narration goes on they proceed to fulfill their legal requirement for next 50 seconds to advise you that this wonderful, life-changing drug will probably cause you to have a stroke, heart attack, seizures, uncontrollable paralysis, loss of feeling in your extremities or other life-threatening events (but don't worry about that, just look at the people having fun at their picnic on the side of a mountain). They warn you that you will probably have excessive flatulence or loose bowels (listen to the lilting music and how calm that narrators voice is, doesn't that make you feel better?). You will also likely experience dizziness, nausea, skin rashes, swollen hands and feet, fever, hair loss, vision loss, loss of your sex organs and/or sex drive (one without the other seems bad enough but just look at that doggy running down the beach chasing a frisbee YOU could be throwing!)

There is also the possibility of suicidal thoughts, homicidal tendencies, aggressive and uncontrollable outbursts that only occurred in 10% of the patients taking this wonderful drug, but you shouldn't think about that because the hypnotic voice on the TV is only telling you what could happen while you take a bath during a sunset on a beautiful tropical cliff. Finally, and least importantly, which is why it's only mentioned at the very end of the commercial while the actors are smiling, laughing and embracing in ways only the healthiest and happiest people ever could, you could die.

They tell you to make sure to talk to your doctor about these and other conditions you might have because the combination of their wunder-drug with anyone else's wunder-drug can have even more harmful interactions. But it's just as likely that any other conditions you have could be treated with other drugs they produce. But we really shouldn't worry about any of that because once we start taking their drug we'll be transported to a magical land where the regular pharmaceutical-free world isn't already trying to kill you.

I mean, I just feel so good after watching these commercials that I want to go out and get a prescription even though I am not suffering from early onset menopause. I really want that peace and tranquility in my life so I can proceed to those horrible reactions knowing my cholesterol has been lowered enough to allow my wife and family to love me again.